Turning 27

I never thought I would make it to 27.   I remember saying I was going through my mid-life crisis when I was 13 and that I would be dead when I was 26.  I always said it in jest but deep down I really believed it.  But at 1 pm today I turned 27.

I have lived my adult life, to some extent, under the shadow of this feeling.  I have not been wise with my money or with my health because I never really needed to be, after all, I was going to be dead when I was 26.  Why plan for the future when there wasn't really going to be one? I was being held captive by a number. 

About 6 years ago God started transforming me in a big way.  I began to talk about my experiences and began the healing process which is long and painful.  Slowly and in little and big ways he is showing me who I am in his eyes and helping me to understand that identity.  I am no longer defined by my experiences or what was done to me but I am defined by who Jesus is and what he has done FOR me.

So now there is freedom in Christ.  I am no longer chained to the past or by the number 26.  God has an amazing plan for my life and I am looking forward to seeing how he is going to help me realise those dreams.

Great Expectations

Do you ever get the feeling that people expect something of you that you can't possibly do, meet, achieve or fulfill?  Expections are big thing in relationship and often hurt and disappointments arise where expectations are not met.  I used to have overly high expectations of friendships, in part because I had high expectations of my self as a friend but also because I think I was looking for something in my friendships that only God could give me.  That was a sense of belonging, of being loved without conditions and being cared for and advocated for.  I was looking for a functional savior.  I cannot remember a time when I didn't love Jesus and recognise him as my savior but I can certainly remember times in my life where I have lived like I didn't love Jesus, or lived like Jesus wasn't enough.

Expectations are hard to balance - I wonder if I'm expecting too much so I expect too little.  I do have a tendency to be an 'all-or-nothing' kind of person.  I don't do relationship well if its superficial and we dance around important stuff.  I can do arms length okay but don't try to get close to me unless you really want to know me better and be known better.  I am SO over fake.  So over people who busy themselves with "stuff" or "things" so they have no time to input into the one thing that has the potential to outlive you - that is - relationship. 

I often find myself observing some peoples incredibably busy schedules and wondering, "what are they running from?" but then I can imagine they are the same people who are saying of me, "why doesn't she just get over it?"  maybe its just a personality thing???

I had a conversation this week which has thrown me.  Have you heard that saying, "friends are here for a season, a reason or a lifetime"?  I want to know how that fits into a biblical world view.  Does God call us to build relationships, invest in relationships and then say, 'OK we are done here...lets move on?'  Basically this conversation was around this topic.  For me the idea that some of my friends now whom I love and are my family would suddenly turn their back on me and extract their friendship, love and support kind of makes me sick to my stomach.  I do not believe that a loving God would call me, or anyone else, to be in relationship with vulnerable, love-starved people only to effectively reject them when there was no apparent pay off or benefit for me.

I feel as if I have been rejected by my family.  My father believes I am a disappointment, that if the abuse occured it was my fault, because he taught me that no one was to touch me.  My mother believes I am a threat to her mental health.  They told me they wouldn't pick sides - I never asked them too.  But they live in a house owned by my brother who molested me.  For all their protestations they have chosen a side.  So I feel rejected and I find it hard to trust people, but especially men.

When I finally feel like I can trust a guy enough to be more like myself and not some character that I play to protect myself, they are often gone.  No one hangs around in peoples lives very long these days, taking the time to build relationships, friendships.  People who've been through these experiences need positive male relationships in the lives.  Men who are not after them for something but men who will love them like a little sister or like a daughter.

David Was Bi-Polar

I've been reading through some of the Psalms and I've come to the conclusion that if King David had been alive today he would have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. I am also glad that from the Psalms we can see that the writers of these prayer songs were real people with real emotions, fear, pain, suffering, joy, delight and sorrow. I feel that we have built up these Bible people to be bigger then Ben Hur. We somehow mythologise them into being super-human, super-spiritual people who had God's ear.  But they weren't.  They struggled with their faith, with their circumstances just as I do.  They were sinners and it was in their ordinaryness and humanness that God chose them to do extraordinary things. 



Psalm 142
¹ I cry out to the Lord;
      I plead for the Lord’s mercy.

My prayers are cried out in the depth of the night and my soul aches for comfort and peace.  I know you are in control God but please give me the strength to continue and endure through this valley of the shadow of death. 

 ² I pour out my complaints before him
      and tell him all my troubles.

You know me from the depth of my soul to the tips of my toes.  You know what I've experienced and what I have done.  But you are my holy counsellor and allow me to express myself in all honesty without fear of rejection or deafening silence.  You love me no matter what.

 ³ When I am overwhelmed,
      you alone know the way I should turn.
   Wherever I go,
      my enemies have set traps for me.

Lord this darkness closes in on me so frequently yet you lift me out of this pit.  You have promised me songs of joy and everlasting life and I know you are my constant companion through this journey.  Yet it is so hard and the sorrow weighs heavily on my shoulders some days.  Keep me from harms way and from people who wish me harm. 

 ⁴ I look for someone to come and help me,
      but no one gives me a passing thought!
   No one will help me;
      no one cares a bit what happens to me.

Lord I so desperately want my family to love me and provide a safe haven for healing, but they are not there.  Instead pain seeks my soul when I search for comfort in the created rather than in you the Creator.  Lord, you have graced me with so much and have brought me this far, and I know you will deliver me through this valley if I continue in obedience.  Lord you knew me before creation and you knew me in my mother's womb.  I know that you care for me, please let me feel that care.

 ⁵ Then I pray to you, O Lord.
      I say, “You are my place of refuge.
      You are all I really want in life.

Lord, you are my only true refuge.  It is only in You that I find lasting peace.  Chocolate and a good book provides only a short term distraction from the sorrow but you say, 'Dear Child it is time to heal, and I will be there through it all, never leaving you to the wolves or turning my back on you - you are mine and I have persued you with a jealous love. Rest easy in my arms for my love is perfect, and perfect love drives away fear.'

 ⁶ Hear my cry,
      for I am very low.
   Rescue me from my persecutors,
      for they are too strong for me.

Listen to the silent tears that accompany my grief.

You know the depths of my sorrow and my need for relief.

Though Satan has sent oppresors and liars to my door,

I know that you'll protect me and pick me off the floor.

 ⁷ Bring me out of prison
      so I can thank you.
   The godly will crowd around me,
      for you are good to me.”

 Lord you are delivering me and I can see the plan you have for me but I am not really sure how to get from the here and now to the over there.  But I know that even in this suffering and even in this pain I am able to bring glory to your name because you are doing a work of miraculous healing in my life and if you give me the strength to continue this good fight I will continue to share with others how you are delivering me through the night, one day at a time.

My Two Fathers

So here is a taste of some of that bad poetry I was talking about in an earlier post.

you were my hero
the father of my birth
you taught me to walk
and swim in rough surf

you listened when i talked
and advocated for me
you stood up and defended
and taught me not to flee

and i thank you for teaching
me to love the Lord
but you sold out to satan
because you did ignore

the heartbreak of your child
how could you turn away
i needed you to care
but you threw insults in my face

the stabbing pain of hurt
has ripped apart my soul
how could you say such things
to your precious little girl

Jesus was the one
who died upon the cross
for all who lived and breathed
his death was not a loss

He reconciled us to God
and broke the chains of death
his body it was broken
but arose he did with breath

i know this is the truth
that my heavely father cares
when i cry for help
his love for me he shares

so i pray that you return
again to Jesus's cross
for only in its shadow
will our family pay no cost

all healing can be found
in him whose wounds were deep
cut by us and all we've done
and all we do asleep

Oh Holy God, what would I do
if this dear hope were not true
that I am your beloved daughter
precious and worthy and new

today i will rest at peace
in my fathers arms of grace
you may turn your back
but I'll never forget your face

I'm not asking you to fix it!

"What you need to do is..."  I have heard so many people give me well-intentioned advice beginning with those six words.  I think this is one of the biggest differences between how males and females communicate.  In my experience many of the males in my life when faced with the fact that they can not fix my situation for me have responded callously and hurtfully - as if to say, "Why have you told me about this if you don't want me to do anything?"  to which I respond, "I want you to listen!  I want you to feel compassion and show some empathy. I am trying to let you know where I'm at, I'm trying to let you understand why I feel the way I do, and why I do the things I do."  If I wanted condemnation I would continue to listen to the lies that Satan has told me.

Sleeping with the light on

Recently I've not been sleeping well.  Frequently I can only fall asleep with the light on.  Perhaps the light can scare the shadows away.  I have been thinking a lot about that little girl who was abused.  I know it was me but I feel somewhat disconnected from her like I'm watching her and am scarred for her.  I think I may be grieving for her and because she is me - grieving for me too.  Maybe this video will make more sense...

Please Don't Touch Me

A couple of nights ago I was thinking back on the last time I sat down with my brother. It had become more and more apparent that I was going to have to speak the truth and confront him regarding the abuse and I was not coping well with the fact that I would most likely lose a relationship I valued highly.

My mother, father, brother and my brother's wife and I had all gone to KFC for lunch - classy I know. My mother, father and sister-in-law were sitting in the booth opposite my brother and I. I was very sad and quiet and so my brother started picking on me to try to get me to laugh. When I didn't respond to his jokes, which were made at my expense, he started to poke me.

I shrunk back into the corner of the booth and asked him to stop - and although I was visibly upset he continued all the harder to illicit a response by poking and tickling me. Now, I really hate being tickled, my brothers used to tickle me until I cried and I am really sensitive to being held against my will...most people are! I again pleaded with him to stop at which point my sister-in-law commented, "He's just trying to make you laugh."

It was a turning point for me.

Here I was 21 cornered in a fast-food restaurant effectively having my personal boundaries violated in front of my mother, my father and my brother's wife by my 27 year old brother who should know to keep his fricking hands to himself and while visibly upset and having asked repeatedly for him to stop I broke down in tears. No one stood up for me. No one saw his behaviour as inappropriate. No one listened to me say NO.

My aunt used to say..."You need 7 hugs a day for emotional stability" and there is a certain amount of truth in that. The comfort that can be expressed through a hug, a real hug - not a patronising slap on the back hug, 'good to see you mate' kind of hug but a hug that is genuine can do a world of good.

There have been numerous times over the years where I have felt uncomfortable because of someones touch because the joy of being touched has been tainted by abuse. And I'm not talking about touch in an erotic, sexualised way but just in general.

Lately I have heard myself saying, "I don't like being touched." or "Don't touch me." and its not that I don't actually like being touched its just that I don't feel safe if people come up to me randomly and touch me or hug me. I joke about it and say "proceed with caution and make no sudden movements." But in many ways that's true and there is a deep sadness behind those statements.

The thing is I crave affection, I hunger to be held by someone in whose arms I can feel safe. Most of the time I walk around with an oversensitivity to touch because of the abuse. But I am hopeful that one day I will feel safe. God has blessed me with some very special friends, a number of whom are men who I do feel safe to be around, perhaps not safe enough to let my guard down with but I am learning to let people in - not everyone - but some.

As for my brother and his wife - every time I look in the mirror I see a reflection of my brother - we could pass as twins - that is really hard. Last year I saw them both at my grandfather's funeral, I did not speak to them and was buffered by my friend and another brother's partner. Jesus delivered me through that day. It was not easy seeing my brother and his very pregnant wife and their 2 year old daughter, my niece who I have never met, never held and in all likelihood will never have a relationship with. Not to mention the grief over losing my favourite man on earth, my grandfather.

Sometimes I feel like I am the one being punished for speaking the truth - being effectively cut off from my family for airing the proverbial "dirty laundry". But God has redeemed me through Jesus' work on the cross and he is redeeming this situation for his glory and I know that he is and will continue to bless me if I continue to cling to the cross and humbly walk the hard journey by His grace alone.