Changing

I've often felt as though I needed to have my stuff all figured out and neatly packaged before I could be of any help to God.  So I've discovered that's a load of crap.  It is at my weakest when I'm holding tenaciously to the Cross of Christ that he has used me the most.  Perseverance in the face of suffering, I am learning, is one of the greatest witnesses to those around you.  Standing firm in your faith though your knees are quaking and basking in God's light has taught me to never question how useful you can be simply by being obedient and honest despite how you may be feeling.  And so God is using me...and its petrifying and exciting and humbling and scary all mixed into one jumbled emotional package, cleverly disguised behind a sense of humour.

Piece by piece God is turning my heart around, bringing me to an understanding that I am loved abundantly by him and that his love for me and for all mankind brought him to pay a ransom with the high cost of his son's life.  Jesus, brought me life and I am precious to him.  He has clothed me in white and I am pure and blameless in his sight.  How incredibly amazing is this gift. 

I've lived so much of my life up to this point feeling unworthy, unlovable, grotesque, ugly, small, insignificant and dirty.  The truth is...apart from Jesus, I am all these things.  BUT by God's amazing indescribable grace I have a new identity in Christ.  One marked by love, beauty, greatness, significance and holiness.  There is no shame.  As my confidence in Christ grows and I come to a greater understanding of his love for me and what it means to be renewed I am being changed.

I notice that I'm looking people in the eye more.  Feeling more beautiful and lovely.  Standing confidently taller.  Hiding myself less and making myself more vulnerable to those I trust.  Opening up my heart to hurt and disappointment but also to love and hope and infinite possibilities. 

I still have a long way to go and know that I need to pray and meditate on the Word to guard myself against Satan, sin and his effects.  But, with the Holy Spirit's help I am becoming the lady that Jesus desires for me to be.

Soar on Wings like Eagles

I received a desk calendar for Christmas. Each day has a quote from the Psalms and a little reflection.

Today's quote reads: Be wise ~ Psalm 2:10 ~ This weekend I'll ponder all things wonderful.

With most desk calendars you start the year optimistically believing that you'll look at each day and not forget to flip them over. Well I've failed already but I'm okay with that because in the grand scheme of things its not really a 'big' deal. So in the spirit of 'pondering all things wonderful' here is my list of things I am thankful for... (its short today).

My friends - Facebook has redefined friendship. I cannot, nor do I want to maintain 254 friendships. Jesus had 12 friends, one of which would later betray him. But of those 12 he had three close friends: Peter, John and James. I only have a few close friends, friends I trust enough to expose my deepest longings and hurts to and make myself vulnerable with. I find it really hard to trust people and not second guess their intentions. But I hide this well. I hide it behind a wall of humour. If you get too close I'll push away...I guess I struggle to realise why people would want to hang out with me and have me as a friend. So I am so very thankful for those special friends who have stuck in their heels and are travelling this healing journey with me. Community is so important - even God in his very nature being three persons: father, son and holy spirit has community. It is not healthy for me to travel through life without community.

Jesus - on the days when I've laid flat on the floor and clung to hope only by a thread it was Jesus who lovingly pulled me back up. I could not have come as far as I have without Him. God has promised to comfort me...and redeem me into someting far greater than the person I am.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing. ~ Isaiah 51:3

So when I'm lying on the floor, or struggling to get out of bed or stuck in a cycle of self-doubt I cling to his promises for:

...those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31