Precious Gems

<sup>Isaiah 54

9-10</sup>"This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
   I promised then that the waters of Noah
   would never again flood the earth.
I'm promising now no more anger,
   no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
   and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won't walk away from you,
   my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart."
   The God who has compassion on you says so.

^11-17"Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
   I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
   construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
   and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
   what a mentor for your children!
You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
   far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
   far from terror—it won't even come close!

My God

How Long O Lord?

Listening to the Liar

"You don't deserve to be loved. You are detestable, ugly.  Even your own parents rejected you, how could you possibly think that any one would ever love you.  You aren't good enough.  You'll never amount to anything."

I've been listening to these statements for over a decade.  Psychologists will tell you its negative self-talk the product of low self-esteem.  I'm not convinced.  I believe its Satan trying to mess with me.  If its me beating myself up its never in the third-person its in the first-person, "I shouldn't have done that, I don't think I'm enough."  Third person its an attack. 

Satan wants nothing more then to destroy life and for so many years he has been hassling me.  I didn't realise it at first but most 13 year olds don't dream of growing up to be a prostitute or being absolutely convinced that they would be dead by 26.  I'm not sure that I thought that this was normal, obviously I didn't voice some of this until many years later but it was my 'normal'.

When you're abused at such a young age you develop coping mechanism to survive.  I'm still discovering what some of mine are but God is revealing them to me one at a time.  Some of these coping mechanisms can become sinful and are ungodly.  I know that, for me, having believed the lie that I was going to die when I was 26 (which sounds ludicrous - but was a very real fear) has led to certain patterns of behaviour and certain lifestyle choices which are sinful and destructive.  I am so grateful that Jesus has broken death and that for the first time in years I don't feel as though I'm living with a time bomb about to explode.

I was talking to one of my closest friends today about honesty and integrity in relationships.  So often we try to cover up our sin or dress it up and justify, we try to manage it rather then repenting of it.  Well on my way to 28 now I am having to repent of my sinful behaviour.  This is an incredibly humbling experience.

For years I've spent money and ate myself into obesity.  I have spent money that wasn't mine and racked up large debts partly because I didn't know how to manage the resources I did have, partly because I was going to be dead when I was 26 and I didn't care that my parents may be left with a large debt to pay off.    Now I'm working this out with God and with people I trust to give me wise and prudent advice, I don't resent the debt because it represents my own sin, nor do I expect someone to come riding out of the sunset to save me from the hard work of paying it off.  God has blessed me with a well paid job and I have absolutely no choice but to rest in him to get me through this next stage in my life because I've tried to do it my way and it hasn't really worked out well.

Food has always been a problem for me.  I've seen mum go on diet after diet her weight yo-yoing as regularly as her mood.  Mum definitely modelled emotional eating well for me but I don't hold her responsible for my poor decisions. 

I think my eating has a number of key motivators - listening to Satan's lies I believed I deserved to die.  Some people choose to slit their wrists or swallow a cocktail of drugs.  I chose eating.  For me it was a more socially acceptable way of killing myself, and the best part about it was that it was a long slow shameful death. 

I didn't want anyone to get close to me, in both a literal and a metaphorical sense.  I've begun referring to my fat as 'scar tissue'.  I think its the best way to describe what it is.  The hurt, pain, soul deep pain of my history of abuse has made me fear people getting too close to me.  Of guys finding me attractive or beautiful, of anyone thinking I'm desirable.  Although I long for someone to fold me in their arms and tell me they love me - I fear it just as much. 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see glimpses of beauty but they are fleeting.  Most of the time I see a fat ugly women who has eaten her feelings and needs to get off her lazy arse and do some exercise.  I know that I am overly harsh and critical of myself and I do have to remember that God has shown me grace I should show myself some.  If I ask the God who created me from scratch to forgive me for not being a good steward of the body he gave me and he forgives me what does it say about me if I refuse to forgive myself?  Effectively it is pride, its okay for God to forgive but I have to work it off for myself. Under all the 'scar tissue' there is a little four year old girl who is scarred and lonely. 

God is transforming me and as I become more confident in His love for me through Jesus I know I will blossom...I already feel like I am so much more alive now that I know that a lot of the thoughts that run through my head are lies.  Get behind me Satan in the name of Jesus, Get behind me!!

Changing

I've often felt as though I needed to have my stuff all figured out and neatly packaged before I could be of any help to God.  So I've discovered that's a load of crap.  It is at my weakest when I'm holding tenaciously to the Cross of Christ that he has used me the most.  Perseverance in the face of suffering, I am learning, is one of the greatest witnesses to those around you.  Standing firm in your faith though your knees are quaking and basking in God's light has taught me to never question how useful you can be simply by being obedient and honest despite how you may be feeling.  And so God is using me...and its petrifying and exciting and humbling and scary all mixed into one jumbled emotional package, cleverly disguised behind a sense of humour.

Piece by piece God is turning my heart around, bringing me to an understanding that I am loved abundantly by him and that his love for me and for all mankind brought him to pay a ransom with the high cost of his son's life.  Jesus, brought me life and I am precious to him.  He has clothed me in white and I am pure and blameless in his sight.  How incredibly amazing is this gift. 

I've lived so much of my life up to this point feeling unworthy, unlovable, grotesque, ugly, small, insignificant and dirty.  The truth is...apart from Jesus, I am all these things.  BUT by God's amazing indescribable grace I have a new identity in Christ.  One marked by love, beauty, greatness, significance and holiness.  There is no shame.  As my confidence in Christ grows and I come to a greater understanding of his love for me and what it means to be renewed I am being changed.

I notice that I'm looking people in the eye more.  Feeling more beautiful and lovely.  Standing confidently taller.  Hiding myself less and making myself more vulnerable to those I trust.  Opening up my heart to hurt and disappointment but also to love and hope and infinite possibilities. 

I still have a long way to go and know that I need to pray and meditate on the Word to guard myself against Satan, sin and his effects.  But, with the Holy Spirit's help I am becoming the lady that Jesus desires for me to be.

Turning 27

I never thought I would make it to 27.   I remember saying I was going through my mid-life crisis when I was 13 and that I would be dead when I was 26.  I always said it in jest but deep down I really believed it.  But at 1 pm today I turned 27.

I have lived my adult life, to some extent, under the shadow of this feeling.  I have not been wise with my money or with my health because I never really needed to be, after all, I was going to be dead when I was 26.  Why plan for the future when there wasn't really going to be one? I was being held captive by a number. 

About 6 years ago God started transforming me in a big way.  I began to talk about my experiences and began the healing process which is long and painful.  Slowly and in little and big ways he is showing me who I am in his eyes and helping me to understand that identity.  I am no longer defined by my experiences or what was done to me but I am defined by who Jesus is and what he has done FOR me.

So now there is freedom in Christ.  I am no longer chained to the past or by the number 26.  God has an amazing plan for my life and I am looking forward to seeing how he is going to help me realise those dreams.

Great Expectations

Do you ever get the feeling that people expect something of you that you can't possibly do, meet, achieve or fulfill?  Expections are big thing in relationship and often hurt and disappointments arise where expectations are not met.  I used to have overly high expectations of friendships, in part because I had high expectations of my self as a friend but also because I think I was looking for something in my friendships that only God could give me.  That was a sense of belonging, of being loved without conditions and being cared for and advocated for.  I was looking for a functional savior.  I cannot remember a time when I didn't love Jesus and recognise him as my savior but I can certainly remember times in my life where I have lived like I didn't love Jesus, or lived like Jesus wasn't enough.

Expectations are hard to balance - I wonder if I'm expecting too much so I expect too little.  I do have a tendency to be an 'all-or-nothing' kind of person.  I don't do relationship well if its superficial and we dance around important stuff.  I can do arms length okay but don't try to get close to me unless you really want to know me better and be known better.  I am SO over fake.  So over people who busy themselves with "stuff" or "things" so they have no time to input into the one thing that has the potential to outlive you - that is - relationship. 

I often find myself observing some peoples incredibably busy schedules and wondering, "what are they running from?" but then I can imagine they are the same people who are saying of me, "why doesn't she just get over it?"  maybe its just a personality thing???

I had a conversation this week which has thrown me.  Have you heard that saying, "friends are here for a season, a reason or a lifetime"?  I want to know how that fits into a biblical world view.  Does God call us to build relationships, invest in relationships and then say, 'OK we are done here...lets move on?'  Basically this conversation was around this topic.  For me the idea that some of my friends now whom I love and are my family would suddenly turn their back on me and extract their friendship, love and support kind of makes me sick to my stomach.  I do not believe that a loving God would call me, or anyone else, to be in relationship with vulnerable, love-starved people only to effectively reject them when there was no apparent pay off or benefit for me.

I feel as if I have been rejected by my family.  My father believes I am a disappointment, that if the abuse occured it was my fault, because he taught me that no one was to touch me.  My mother believes I am a threat to her mental health.  They told me they wouldn't pick sides - I never asked them too.  But they live in a house owned by my brother who molested me.  For all their protestations they have chosen a side.  So I feel rejected and I find it hard to trust people, but especially men.

When I finally feel like I can trust a guy enough to be more like myself and not some character that I play to protect myself, they are often gone.  No one hangs around in peoples lives very long these days, taking the time to build relationships, friendships.  People who've been through these experiences need positive male relationships in the lives.  Men who are not after them for something but men who will love them like a little sister or like a daughter.