Joy

At small group tonight we discussed joy:

"I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy." ~ Jesus (John 17:13)

The Westminster Catechism states that "The chief end [purpose] of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever." John Piper in Desiring God modifies this, "The chief end of man is to glorify God BY enjoying him forever.

But what is Joy? Is it surface level happiness or perhaps a deep soul routed contentment? I'm not sure. Is it an emotion or a feeling or something else? I don't know. I know that I would like to be joyful but I think of joy a bit like I think of 'balance' a mythical place or state like Atlantis. That would be a nice place for everyone to visit but its pretty hard to find. But the Bible promises it:

"I pray that God, the source of hope, WILL fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you WILL overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." ~ Romans 15:13

It is impossible on my own strength to be joyful. If my hope is in my family, my friends, my job, my money, in anything other then Jesus I will only ever experience counterfeit joy. Now its simple for me to write these things but my heart is screaming, 'easier said then done.' How can I experience joy in the midst of such colossal pain? How can I experience hope when I am constantly reminded of how corrupted our world is? Its hard...

One of the Old Testament prophets, Habakkuk wrote:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of
my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
~ Habakkuk 3:17-19

I think for me, often my hope is not in Christ and my strength is not in the Sovereign Lord but in justice. I would like my family to acknowledge the hurt and the pain they have measured out to me in such generous portions. I hope that one day there will be reconciliation but today, today I want them to hurt and suffer like I have. In forgiving my family I fore go vengefulness, not justice (if this was an angle I could pursue I would), and for me forgiveness is not a once off action but a process. Everyday I have to make a decision, a choice "Will I forgive today? Do I surrender my vengeance?" Today...? Not so much - and the status of my joy...? Not so good.

Drugs & The Spanish Inquisition

It has been about six years since I was first prescribed anti-depressants. I have only had a few months drug free in those six years since. Five of those years I have been on a high dose and any missed tablets have a fairly severe impact on my emotional stability.

I would like to get off them - but I am afraid. I am afraid of not being able to cope, of going crazy, of falling into a complete heap and never being able to get up and get on with life. I am afraid of the damage I could do to my precious friends and I am afraid of the physical side affects of decreasing my dosage.

So I work hard at 'playing happy'. I try to maintain a positive outlook on life and to help others put their circumstances in perspective. But really, honestly, I feel like I'm just 'playing happy'. I get so incredibly tired of being the voice of positivity when inside I am probably the biggest cynic I know. I get tired of putting on a mask of humour and laughing at life. I hear the voice of my parental units in my head saying to me, 'Don't take yourself too seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself.' But...am I just a well practiced fraud, deceiver, con?

Don't we live in a society that is so incredibly superficial that when someone asks how you are you answer with the pat response, 'Fine thanks.' even if your world is crumbling into pieces? I know I've lied many a time when someone has asked me that. Or if you answer truthfully, the inquisitor is suddenly no longer so inquisitive.

Journals

I've been reading through some of my old journals. I threw most of them out last year so I only have the ones I missed. 15 year old me makes me laugh! And yet some things haven't changed at all. For instance, I still write bad poetry that doesn't make much sense. They are filled with pages and pages of introspection and intense emotion.

I grew up in a male dominated house and my mother wasn't what you'd call 'communicative'. Feelings weren't legitimised or encouraged to be discussed and so it wasn't until my twenties that I realised that it was okay to feel and that feelings were an important and legitimate part of the human experience. As I've been looking through my journals I can see that they provided a safe place to express those emotions and not be mocked.

Soar on Wings like Eagles

I received a desk calendar for Christmas. Each day has a quote from the Psalms and a little reflection.

Today's quote reads: Be wise ~ Psalm 2:10 ~ This weekend I'll ponder all things wonderful.

With most desk calendars you start the year optimistically believing that you'll look at each day and not forget to flip them over. Well I've failed already but I'm okay with that because in the grand scheme of things its not really a 'big' deal. So in the spirit of 'pondering all things wonderful' here is my list of things I am thankful for... (its short today).

My friends - Facebook has redefined friendship. I cannot, nor do I want to maintain 254 friendships. Jesus had 12 friends, one of which would later betray him. But of those 12 he had three close friends: Peter, John and James. I only have a few close friends, friends I trust enough to expose my deepest longings and hurts to and make myself vulnerable with. I find it really hard to trust people and not second guess their intentions. But I hide this well. I hide it behind a wall of humour. If you get too close I'll push away...I guess I struggle to realise why people would want to hang out with me and have me as a friend. So I am so very thankful for those special friends who have stuck in their heels and are travelling this healing journey with me. Community is so important - even God in his very nature being three persons: father, son and holy spirit has community. It is not healthy for me to travel through life without community.

Jesus - on the days when I've laid flat on the floor and clung to hope only by a thread it was Jesus who lovingly pulled me back up. I could not have come as far as I have without Him. God has promised to comfort me...and redeem me into someting far greater than the person I am.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing. ~ Isaiah 51:3

So when I'm lying on the floor, or struggling to get out of bed or stuck in a cycle of self-doubt I cling to his promises for:

...those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

Touch

I forgot what it feels like to feel safe,
I forgot what it feels like to feel brave
A shattered soul never heals,
This heart of flesh has turned to steal
I’ve forgotten how to feel ~ Kendall Payne

Key Links

Here are some links to sites that have helped me.

General Information
(these sites have general information and contact numbers)

• The Royal Women's Hospital
  
• Australian Centre for the Study of Sexual Assault
• Centre Against Sexual Assault (Victoria)
  
  

Helping to Heal
(these sites have helped me to understand who I am in Christ - a new creation, jealously pursued and loved by God)

• Door of Hope
• Keriva Counselling Service
• The Peasant Princess

• Mars Hill Women's Theology
  

Indiscriminate Acts of Kindness

She came in from the cold. Wet!
Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
And said ‚I need a room for the night but I don't got no money.
Will you take payment in kind?
He said ‚ alright. I've got a room here you can share mine.

Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line‚
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand.
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan,
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home. Home. Home?

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!