Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Turning 27

I never thought I would make it to 27.   I remember saying I was going through my mid-life crisis when I was 13 and that I would be dead when I was 26.  I always said it in jest but deep down I really believed it.  But at 1 pm today I turned 27.

I have lived my adult life, to some extent, under the shadow of this feeling.  I have not been wise with my money or with my health because I never really needed to be, after all, I was going to be dead when I was 26.  Why plan for the future when there wasn't really going to be one? I was being held captive by a number. 

About 6 years ago God started transforming me in a big way.  I began to talk about my experiences and began the healing process which is long and painful.  Slowly and in little and big ways he is showing me who I am in his eyes and helping me to understand that identity.  I am no longer defined by my experiences or what was done to me but I am defined by who Jesus is and what he has done FOR me.

So now there is freedom in Christ.  I am no longer chained to the past or by the number 26.  God has an amazing plan for my life and I am looking forward to seeing how he is going to help me realise those dreams.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Great Expectations

Do you ever get the feeling that people expect something of you that you can't possibly do, meet, achieve or fulfill?  Expections are big thing in relationship and often hurt and disappointments arise where expectations are not met.  I used to have overly high expectations of friendships, in part because I had high expectations of my self as a friend but also because I think I was looking for something in my friendships that only God could give me.  That was a sense of belonging, of being loved without conditions and being cared for and advocated for.  I was looking for a functional savior.  I cannot remember a time when I didn't love Jesus and recognise him as my savior but I can certainly remember times in my life where I have lived like I didn't love Jesus, or lived like Jesus wasn't enough.

Expectations are hard to balance - I wonder if I'm expecting too much so I expect too little.  I do have a tendency to be an 'all-or-nothing' kind of person.  I don't do relationship well if its superficial and we dance around important stuff.  I can do arms length okay but don't try to get close to me unless you really want to know me better and be known better.  I am SO over fake.  So over people who busy themselves with "stuff" or "things" so they have no time to input into the one thing that has the potential to outlive you - that is - relationship. 

I often find myself observing some peoples incredibably busy schedules and wondering, "what are they running from?" but then I can imagine they are the same people who are saying of me, "why doesn't she just get over it?"  maybe its just a personality thing???

I had a conversation this week which has thrown me.  Have you heard that saying, "friends are here for a season, a reason or a lifetime"?  I want to know how that fits into a biblical world view.  Does God call us to build relationships, invest in relationships and then say, 'OK we are done here...lets move on?'  Basically this conversation was around this topic.  For me the idea that some of my friends now whom I love and are my family would suddenly turn their back on me and extract their friendship, love and support kind of makes me sick to my stomach.  I do not believe that a loving God would call me, or anyone else, to be in relationship with vulnerable, love-starved people only to effectively reject them when there was no apparent pay off or benefit for me.

I feel as if I have been rejected by my family.  My father believes I am a disappointment, that if the abuse occured it was my fault, because he taught me that no one was to touch me.  My mother believes I am a threat to her mental health.  They told me they wouldn't pick sides - I never asked them too.  But they live in a house owned by my brother who molested me.  For all their protestations they have chosen a side.  So I feel rejected and I find it hard to trust people, but especially men.

When I finally feel like I can trust a guy enough to be more like myself and not some character that I play to protect myself, they are often gone.  No one hangs around in peoples lives very long these days, taking the time to build relationships, friendships.  People who've been through these experiences need positive male relationships in the lives.  Men who are not after them for something but men who will love them like a little sister or like a daughter.