Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Turning 27

I never thought I would make it to 27.   I remember saying I was going through my mid-life crisis when I was 13 and that I would be dead when I was 26.  I always said it in jest but deep down I really believed it.  But at 1 pm today I turned 27.

I have lived my adult life, to some extent, under the shadow of this feeling.  I have not been wise with my money or with my health because I never really needed to be, after all, I was going to be dead when I was 26.  Why plan for the future when there wasn't really going to be one? I was being held captive by a number. 

About 6 years ago God started transforming me in a big way.  I began to talk about my experiences and began the healing process which is long and painful.  Slowly and in little and big ways he is showing me who I am in his eyes and helping me to understand that identity.  I am no longer defined by my experiences or what was done to me but I am defined by who Jesus is and what he has done FOR me.

So now there is freedom in Christ.  I am no longer chained to the past or by the number 26.  God has an amazing plan for my life and I am looking forward to seeing how he is going to help me realise those dreams.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Great Expectations

Do you ever get the feeling that people expect something of you that you can't possibly do, meet, achieve or fulfill?  Expections are big thing in relationship and often hurt and disappointments arise where expectations are not met.  I used to have overly high expectations of friendships, in part because I had high expectations of my self as a friend but also because I think I was looking for something in my friendships that only God could give me.  That was a sense of belonging, of being loved without conditions and being cared for and advocated for.  I was looking for a functional savior.  I cannot remember a time when I didn't love Jesus and recognise him as my savior but I can certainly remember times in my life where I have lived like I didn't love Jesus, or lived like Jesus wasn't enough.

Expectations are hard to balance - I wonder if I'm expecting too much so I expect too little.  I do have a tendency to be an 'all-or-nothing' kind of person.  I don't do relationship well if its superficial and we dance around important stuff.  I can do arms length okay but don't try to get close to me unless you really want to know me better and be known better.  I am SO over fake.  So over people who busy themselves with "stuff" or "things" so they have no time to input into the one thing that has the potential to outlive you - that is - relationship. 

I often find myself observing some peoples incredibably busy schedules and wondering, "what are they running from?" but then I can imagine they are the same people who are saying of me, "why doesn't she just get over it?"  maybe its just a personality thing???

I had a conversation this week which has thrown me.  Have you heard that saying, "friends are here for a season, a reason or a lifetime"?  I want to know how that fits into a biblical world view.  Does God call us to build relationships, invest in relationships and then say, 'OK we are done here...lets move on?'  Basically this conversation was around this topic.  For me the idea that some of my friends now whom I love and are my family would suddenly turn their back on me and extract their friendship, love and support kind of makes me sick to my stomach.  I do not believe that a loving God would call me, or anyone else, to be in relationship with vulnerable, love-starved people only to effectively reject them when there was no apparent pay off or benefit for me.

I feel as if I have been rejected by my family.  My father believes I am a disappointment, that if the abuse occured it was my fault, because he taught me that no one was to touch me.  My mother believes I am a threat to her mental health.  They told me they wouldn't pick sides - I never asked them too.  But they live in a house owned by my brother who molested me.  For all their protestations they have chosen a side.  So I feel rejected and I find it hard to trust people, but especially men.

When I finally feel like I can trust a guy enough to be more like myself and not some character that I play to protect myself, they are often gone.  No one hangs around in peoples lives very long these days, taking the time to build relationships, friendships.  People who've been through these experiences need positive male relationships in the lives.  Men who are not after them for something but men who will love them like a little sister or like a daughter.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

David Was Bi-Polar

I've been reading through some of the Psalms and I've come to the conclusion that if King David had been alive today he would have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. I am also glad that from the Psalms we can see that the writers of these prayer songs were real people with real emotions, fear, pain, suffering, joy, delight and sorrow. I feel that we have built up these Bible people to be bigger then Ben Hur. We somehow mythologise them into being super-human, super-spiritual people who had God's ear.  But they weren't.  They struggled with their faith, with their circumstances just as I do.  They were sinners and it was in their ordinaryness and humanness that God chose them to do extraordinary things. 

Psalm 142
1 I cry out to the Lord;
      I plead for the Lord’s mercy.

My prayers are cried out in the depth of the night and my soul aches for comfort and peace.  I know you are in control God but please give me the strength to continue and endure through this valley of the shadow of death. 
 2 I pour out my complaints before him
      and tell him all my troubles.

You know me from the depth of my soul to the tips of my toes.  You know what I've experienced and what I have done.  But you are my holy counsellor and allow me to express myself in all honesty without fear of rejection or deafening silence.  You love me no matter what.

 3 When I am overwhelmed,
      you alone know the way I should turn.
   Wherever I go,
      my enemies have set traps for me.

Lord this darkness closes in on me so frequently yet you lift me out of this pit.  You have promised me songs of joy and everlasting life and I know you are my constant companion through this journey.  Yet it is so hard and the sorrow weighs heavily on my shoulders some days.  Keep me from harms way and from people who wish me harm. 
 4 I look for someone to come and help me,
      but no one gives me a passing thought!
   No one will help me;
      no one cares a bit what happens to me.

Lord I so desperately want my family to love me and provide a safe haven for healing, but they are not there.  Instead pain seeks my soul when I search for comfort in the created rather than in you the Creator.  Lord, you have graced me with so much and have brought me this far, and I know you will deliver me through this valley if I continue in obedience.  Lord you knew me before creation and you knew me in my mother's womb.  I know that you care for me, please let me feel that care.

 5 Then I pray to you, O Lord.
      I say, “You are my place of refuge.
      You are all I really want in life.

Lord, you are my only true refuge.  It is only in You that I find lasting peace.  Chocolate and a good book provides only a short term distraction from the sorrow but you say, 'Dear Child it is time to heal, and I will be there through it all, never leaving you to the wolves or turning my back on you - you are mine and I have persued you with a jealous love. Rest easy in my arms for my love is perfect, and perfect love drives away fear.'
 6 Hear my cry,
      for I am very low.
   Rescue me from my persecutors,
      for they are too strong for me.

Listen to the silent tears that accompany my grief.
You know the depths of my sorrow and my need for relief.
Though Satan has sent oppresors and liars to my door,
I know that you'll protect me and pick me off the floor.
 7 Bring me out of prison
      so I can thank you.
   The godly will crowd around me,
      for you are good to me.”

 Lord you are delivering me and I can see the plan you have for me but I am not really sure how to get from the here and now to the over there.  But I know that even in this suffering and even in this pain I am able to bring glory to your name because you are doing a work of miraculous healing in my life and if you give me the strength to continue this good fight I will continue to share with others how you are delivering me through the night, one day at a time.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My Two Fathers

So here is a taste of some of that bad poetry I was talking about in an earlier post.

you were my hero
the father of my birth
you taught me to walk
and swim in rough surf

you listened when i talked
and advocated for me
you stood up and defended
and taught me not to flee

and i thank you for teaching
me to love the Lord
but you sold out to satan
because you did ignore

the heartbreak of your child
how could you turn away
i needed you to care
but you threw insults in my face

the stabbing pain of hurt
has ripped apart my soul
how could you say such things
to your precious little girl

Jesus was the one
who died upon the cross
for all who lived and breathed
his death was not a loss

He reconciled us to God
and broke the chains of death
his body it was broken
but arose he did with breath

i know this is the truth
that my heavely father cares
when i cry for help
his love for me he shares

so i pray that you return
again to Jesus's cross
for only in its shadow
will our family pay no cost

all healing can be found
in him whose wounds were deep
cut by us and all we've done
and all we do asleep

Oh Holy God, what would I do
if this dear hope were not true
that I am your beloved daughter
precious and worthy and new

today i will rest at peace
in my fathers arms of grace
you may turn your back
but I'll never forget your face

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I'm not asking you to fix it!

"What you need to do is..."  I have heard so many people give me well-intentioned advice beginning with those six words.  I think this is one of the biggest differences between how males and females communicate.  In my experience many of the males in my life when faced with the fact that they can not fix my situation for me have responded callously and hurtfully - as if to say, "Why have you told me about this if you don't want me to do anything?"  to which I respond, "I want you to listen!  I want you to feel compassion and show some empathy. I am trying to let you know where I'm at, I'm trying to let you understand why I feel the way I do, and why I do the things I do."  If I wanted condemnation I would continue to listen to the lies that Satan has told me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sleeping with the light on

Recently I've not been sleeping well.  Frequently I can only fall asleep with the light on.  Perhaps the light can scare the shadows away.  I have been thinking a lot about that little girl who was abused.  I know it was me but I feel somewhat disconnected from her like I'm watching her and am scarred for her.  I think I may be grieving for her and because she is me - grieving for me too.  Maybe this video will make more sense...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Please Don't Touch Me

A couple of nights ago I was thinking back on the last time I sat down with my brother. It had become more and more apparent that I was going to have to speak the truth and confront him regarding the abuse and I was not coping well with the fact that I would most likely lose a relationship I valued highly.

My mother, father, brother and my brother's wife and I had all gone to KFC for lunch - classy I know. My mother, father and sister-in-law were sitting in the booth opposite my brother and I. I was very sad and quiet and so my brother started picking on me to try to get me to laugh. When I didn't respond to his jokes, which were made at my expense, he started to poke me.

I shrunk back into the corner of the booth and asked him to stop - and although I was visibly upset he continued all the harder to illicit a response by poking and tickling me. Now, I really hate being tickled, my brothers used to tickle me until I cried and I am really sensitive to being held against my will...most people are! I again pleaded with him to stop at which point my sister-in-law commented, "He's just trying to make you laugh."

It was a turning point for me.

Here I was 21 cornered in a fast-food restaurant effectively having my personal boundaries violated in front of my mother, my father and my brother's wife by my 27 year old brother who should know to keep his fricking hands to himself and while visibly upset and having asked repeatedly for him to stop I broke down in tears. No one stood up for me. No one saw his behaviour as inappropriate. No one listened to me say NO.

My aunt used to say..."You need 7 hugs a day for emotional stability" and there is a certain amount of truth in that. The comfort that can be expressed through a hug, a real hug - not a patronising slap on the back hug, 'good to see you mate' kind of hug but a hug that is genuine can do a world of good.

There have been numerous times over the years where I have felt uncomfortable because of someones touch because the joy of being touched has been tainted by abuse. And I'm not talking about touch in an erotic, sexualised way but just in general.

Lately I have heard myself saying, "I don't like being touched." or "Don't touch me." and its not that I don't actually like being touched its just that I don't feel safe if people come up to me randomly and touch me or hug me. I joke about it and say "proceed with caution and make no sudden movements." But in many ways that's true and there is a deep sadness behind those statements.

The thing is I crave affection, I hunger to be held by someone in whose arms I can feel safe. Most of the time I walk around with an oversensitivity to touch because of the abuse. But I am hopeful that one day I will feel safe. God has blessed me with some very special friends, a number of whom are men who I do feel safe to be around, perhaps not safe enough to let my guard down with but I am learning to let people in - not everyone - but some.

As for my brother and his wife - every time I look in the mirror I see a reflection of my brother - we could pass as twins - that is really hard. Last year I saw them both at my grandfather's funeral, I did not speak to them and was buffered by my friend and another brother's partner. Jesus delivered me through that day. It was not easy seeing my brother and his very pregnant wife and their 2 year old daughter, my niece who I have never met, never held and in all likelihood will never have a relationship with. Not to mention the grief over losing my favourite man on earth, my grandfather.

Sometimes I feel like I am the one being punished for speaking the truth - being effectively cut off from my family for airing the proverbial "dirty laundry". But God has redeemed me through Jesus' work on the cross and he is redeeming this situation for his glory and I know that he is and will continue to bless me if I continue to cling to the cross and humbly walk the hard journey by His grace alone.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Clay Pot

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
~ 2nd Corinthians 4:7-10

The last few weeks have been tough...but necessarily so. I have been reminded of my need to be completely reliant on Jesus. This is not a journey that I can navigate on my own. I feel like I am afflicted, perplexed, persecuted and struck down. To be honest I also feel a bit crushed too but probably more from being bone deep weary and pretty fed up with the seemingly never ending fight. The fight to get out of bed in the morning, fighting the traffic to work, breaking up the workplace fights, soothing the friend after a fight. I am told to fight the good fight (1 Timothy 6:12a) but I don't have the energy.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

So I will reiterate, every singly iota of strength, capacity to love and care, every moment I listen on the phone to a friends problems, or fold them in my arms reassuring them that everything will be okay, every prayer I breath, shout or cry is because of Jesus. It is not that he has made me strong it is His strength given me by the Holy Spirit. If it was up to me and my strength I would not be here - I would have given up a long time ago, I am not that determined or motivated. If it wasn't for the fact that I see clear evidence in my life of how God wants to redeem this situation for his Glory I would have pulled the plug or flicked the switch a long time ago.

We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best...So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
~ 2 Corinthians 4:7-12; 16-18 (Message)

So I'm perservering - knowing that by grace I have hope for the future. When I start to put my faith in something that isn't Jesus, like a guy, a job or a holiday, that hope will turn pretty quickly into despair as how can creation ever compare to the Creator.

Nothing in my hand I bring
Simply to Your cross I cling
Naked come to You for dress
Helpless look to You for grace

If you imagined a story you wouldn't come up with a relationship so one-sided. It is completely crazy - God loved me yet because of my sin nature I have rebelled like a typical teenager, wanting to go my own way, forge my own path, overland through the swamp, across the 6-lane freeway and a field full of IEDs. But God through his son Jesus provided a way to be reconciled to him. It is not because of anything that I have done or that I have brought to the relationship. We are born with nothing and we die with nothing and it is by grace alone that we have hope in a future without pain and suffering. An eternity with out abuse, depression and pain.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I've Forgotten How to Feel

I forgot what it feels like to feel safe,
I forgot what it feels like to feel brave
A shattered soul never heals,
This heart of flesh has turned to steal
I’ve forgotten how to feel ~ Kendall Payne

These lyrics from Payne's song Touch are particularly poignant for me. Its like someone had read my mind and wrote a song about it - a bit like in Killing Me Softly: 'I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud' But on further reflection I'm not sure that I've forgotten how to feel rather I'm learning how to feel for the first time.

Feelings were never validated while I grew up, never encouraged to be expressed in a healthy manner. If I was hurt by something one of my siblings said to me I was told to ignore it and not take myself too seriously. I learnt not to talk about my feelings and pretty soon I stopped recognising what they were.

A few years ago I was discussing my newly rediscovered feelings with my parents and my father made a stark revelation, 'I don't buy into all that feelings crap.' My mother was quick to comment that feeling was a major part of the human experience. I thank her for pointing this out.

Having lived in a house with a father who didn't buy into all that 'feelings crap' for two decades has left a lasting imprint on my life. Not that I'm blaming him, no doubt he wasn't taught how to deal with emotions and feelings himself so how could I expect him to teach me?

And while I can rationalise his behaviour and justify it away the effects of that deficit are really undeniable. Its not okay for him to dismiss my feelings and to not take them into account. Its not okay that instead of redeeming a sibling squabble - by using it as an opportunity to demonstrate how forgiveness, mercy and grace works between us and our Heavenly Father through Jesus by the Spirit - it was dismissed. I remember more then one occasion when I was punched or otherwise hurt by one of my brothers and when sharing my hurt with my father I received the, 'My boys wouldn't do a thing like that' response.

So I'm learning.

Often I know I feel something but I find it hard to identify the emotion. Is it anger, frustration, fury, hurt, anxiety, happiness or joy? Sometimes its not until I have someone identify a similar emotion in their own life that I am able to put a name to the same emotion in mine.

But I'm getting there...slowly.

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.” ~ Stanley Lindquist

God's amazing grace has proven to me that while my situation sucketh muchly and the effects of sin and death in the world are great, he is using me in a mighty way. He will REDEEM every act of abuse, emotional, physical or sexual and work it for HIS glory.

I'm praying that my eyes will be open to see how he is already using me, even in my brokeness, not dispite it but because of it.

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.” ~ CS Lewis

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


At small group tonight we discussed joy:

"I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy." ~ Jesus (John 17:13)

The Westminster Catechism states that "The chief end [purpose] of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever." John Piper in Desiring God modifies this, "The chief end of man is to glorify God BY enjoying him forever.

But what is Joy? Is it surface level happiness or perhaps a deep soul routed contentment? I'm not sure. Is it an emotion or a feeling or something else? I don't know. I know that I would like to be joyful but I think of joy a bit like I think of 'balance' a mythical place or state like Atlantis. That would be a nice place for everyone to visit but its pretty hard to find. But the Bible promises it:

"I pray that God, the source of hope, WILL fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you WILL overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." ~ Romans 15:13

It is impossible on my own strength to be joyful. If my hope is in my family, my friends, my job, my money, in anything other then Jesus I will only ever experience counterfeit joy. Now its simple for me to write these things but my heart is screaming, 'easier said then done.' How can I experience joy in the midst of such colossal pain? How can I experience hope when I am constantly reminded of how corrupted our world is? Its hard...

One of the Old Testament prophets, Habakkuk wrote:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of
my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
~ Habakkuk 3:17-19

I think for me, often my hope is not in Christ and my strength is not in the Sovereign Lord but in justice. I would like my family to acknowledge the hurt and the pain they have measured out to me in such generous portions. I hope that one day there will be reconciliation but today, today I want them to hurt and suffer like I have. In forgiving my family I fore go vengefulness, not justice (if this was an angle I could pursue I would), and for me forgiveness is not a once off action but a process. Everyday I have to make a decision, a choice "Will I forgive today? Do I surrender my vengeance?" Today...? Not so much - and the status of my joy...? Not so good.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Drugs & The Spanish Inquisition

It has been about six years since I was first prescribed anti-depressants. I have only had a few months drug free in those six years since. Five of those years I have been on a high dose and any missed tablets have a fairly severe impact on my emotional stability.

I would like to get off them - but I am afraid. I am afraid of not being able to cope, of going crazy, of falling into a complete heap and never being able to get up and get on with life. I am afraid of the damage I could do to my precious friends and I am afraid of the physical side affects of decreasing my dosage.

So I work hard at 'playing happy'. I try to maintain a positive outlook on life and to help others put their circumstances in perspective. But really, honestly, I feel like I'm just 'playing happy'. I get so incredibly tired of being the voice of positivity when inside I am probably the biggest cynic I know. I get tired of putting on a mask of humour and laughing at life. I hear the voice of my parental units in my head saying to me, 'Don't take yourself too seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself.' I just a well practiced fraud, deceiver, con?

Don't we live in a society that is so incredibly superficial that when someone asks how you are you answer with the pat response, 'Fine thanks.' even if your world is crumbling into pieces? I know I've lied many a time when someone has asked me that. Or if you answer truthfully, the inquisitor is suddenly no longer so inquisitive.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I've been reading through some of my old journals. I threw most of them out last year so I only have the ones I missed. 15 year old me makes me laugh! And yet some things haven't changed at all. For instance, I still write bad poetry that doesn't make much sense. They are filled with pages and pages of introspection and intense emotion.

I grew up in a male dominated house and my mother wasn't what you'd call 'communicative'. Feelings weren't legitimised or encouraged to be discussed and so it wasn't until my twenties that I realised that it was okay to feel and that feelings were an important and legitimate part of the human experience. As I've been looking through my journals I can see that they provided a safe place to express those emotions and not be mocked.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Soar on Wings like Eagles

I received a desk calendar for Christmas. Each day has a quote from the Psalms and a little reflection.

Today's quote reads: Be wise ~ Psalm 2:10 ~ This weekend I'll ponder all things wonderful.

With most desk calendars you start the year optimistically believing that you'll look at each day and not forget to flip them over. Well I've failed already but I'm okay with that because in the grand scheme of things its not really a 'big' deal. So in the spirit of 'pondering all things wonderful' here is my list of things I am thankful for... (its short today).

My friends - Facebook has redefined friendship. I cannot, nor do I want to maintain 254 friendships. Jesus had 12 friends, one of which would later betray him. But of those 12 he had three close friends: Peter, John and James. I only have a few close friends, friends I trust enough to expose my deepest longings and hurts to and make myself vulnerable with. I find it really hard to trust people and not second guess their intentions. But I hide this well. I hide it behind a wall of humour. If you get too close I'll push away...I guess I struggle to realise why people would want to hang out with me and have me as a friend. So I am so very thankful for those special friends who have stuck in their heels and are travelling this healing journey with me. Community is so important - even God in his very nature being three persons: father, son and holy spirit has community. It is not healthy for me to travel through life without community.

Jesus - on the days when I've laid flat on the floor and clung to hope only by a thread it was Jesus who lovingly pulled me back up. I could not have come as far as I have without Him. God has promised to comfort me...and redeem me into someting far greater than the person I am.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing. ~ Isaiah 51:3

So when I'm lying on the floor, or struggling to get out of bed or stuck in a cycle of self-doubt I cling to his promises for:

...those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

Friday, January 2, 2009


I forgot what it feels like to feel safe,
I forgot what it feels like to feel brave
A shattered soul never heals,
This heart of flesh has turned to steal
I’ve forgotten how to feel ~ Kendall Payne

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Key Links

Here are some links to sites that have helped me.

General Information
(these sites have general information and contact numbers)
Helping to Heal
(these sites have helped me to understand who I am in Christ - a new creation, jealously pursued and loved by God)

Indiscriminate Acts of Kindness

She came in from the cold. Wet!
Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
And said ‚I need a room for the night but I don't got no money.
Will you take payment in kind?
He said ‚ alright. I've got a room here you can share mine.

Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line‚
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand.
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan,
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home. Home. Home?

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!