My mother, father, brother and my brother's wife and I had all gone to KFC for lunch - classy I know. My mother, father and sister-in-law were sitting in the booth opposite my brother and I. I was very sad and quiet and so my brother started picking on me to try to get me to laugh. When I didn't respond to his jokes, which were made at my expense, he started to poke me.
I shrunk back into the corner of the booth and asked him to stop - and although I was visibly upset he continued all the harder to illicit a response by poking and tickling me. Now, I really hate being tickled, my brothers used to tickle me until I cried and I am really sensitive to being held against my will...most people are! I again pleaded with him to stop at which point my sister-in-law commented, "He's just trying to make you laugh."
It was a turning point for me.
Here I was 21 cornered in a fast-food restaurant effectively having my personal boundaries violated in front of my mother, my father and my brother's wife by my 27 year old brother who should know to keep his fricking hands to himself and while visibly upset and having asked repeatedly for him to stop I broke down in tears. No one stood up for me. No one saw his behaviour as inappropriate. No one listened to me say NO.
My aunt used to say..."You need 7 hugs a day for emotional stability" and there is a certain amount of truth in that. The comfort that can be expressed through a hug, a real hug - not a patronising slap on the back hug, 'good to see you mate' kind of hug but a hug that is genuine can do a world of good.There have been numerous times over the years where I have felt uncomfortable because of someones touch because the joy of being touched has been tainted by abuse. And I'm not talking about touch in an erotic, sexualised way but just in general.
Lately I have heard myself saying, "I don't like being touched." or "Don't touch me." and its not that I don't actually like being touched its just that I don't feel safe if people come up to me randomly and touch me or hug me. I joke about it and say "proceed with caution and make no sudden movements." But in many ways that's true and there is a deep sadness behind those statements.
The thing is I crave affection, I hunger to be held by someone in whose arms I can feel safe. Most of the time I walk around with an oversensitivity to touch because of the abuse. But I am hopeful that one day I will feel safe. God has blessed me with some very special friends, a number of whom are men who I do feel safe to be around, perhaps not safe enough to let my guard down with but I am learning to let people in - not everyone - but some.
As for my brother and his wife - every time I look in the mirror I see a reflection of my brother - we could pass as twins - that is really hard. Last year I saw them both at my grandfather's funeral, I did not speak to them and was buffered by my friend and another brother's partner. Jesus delivered me through that day. It was not easy seeing my brother and his very pregnant wife and their 2 year old daughter, my niece who I have never met, never held and in all likelihood will never have a relationship with. Not to mention the grief over losing my favourite man on earth, my grandfather.
Sometimes I feel like I am the one being punished for speaking the truth - being effectively cut off from my family for airing the proverbial "dirty laundry". But God has redeemed me through Jesus' work on the cross and he is redeeming this situation for his glory and I know that he is and will continue to bless me if I continue to cling to the cross and humbly walk the hard journey by His grace alone.
