Saturday, January 23, 2010


I've often felt as though I needed to have my stuff all figured out and neatly packaged before I could be of any help to God.  So I've discovered that's a load of crap.  It is at my weakest when I'm holding tenaciously to the Cross of Christ that he has used me the most.  Perseverance in the face of suffering, I am learning, is one of the greatest witnesses to those around you.  Standing firm in your faith though your knees are quaking and basking in God's light has taught me to never question how useful you can be simply by being obedient and honest despite how you may be feeling.  And so God is using me...and its petrifying and exciting and humbling and scary all mixed into one jumbled emotional package, cleverly disguised behind a sense of humour.

Piece by piece God is turning my heart around, bringing me to an understanding that I am loved abundantly by him and that his love for me and for all mankind brought him to pay a ransom with the high cost of his son's life.  Jesus, brought me life and I am precious to him.  He has clothed me in white and I am pure and blameless in his sight.  How incredibly amazing is this gift. 

I've lived so much of my life up to this point feeling unworthy, unlovable, grotesque, ugly, small, insignificant and dirty.  The truth is...apart from Jesus, I am all these things.  BUT by God's amazing indescribable grace I have a new identity in Christ.  One marked by love, beauty, greatness, significance and holiness.  There is no shame.  As my confidence in Christ grows and I come to a greater understanding of his love for me and what it means to be renewed I am being changed.

I notice that I'm looking people in the eye more.  Feeling more beautiful and lovely.  Standing confidently taller.  Hiding myself less and making myself more vulnerable to those I trust.  Opening up my heart to hurt and disappointment but also to love and hope and infinite possibilities. 

I still have a long way to go and know that I need to pray and meditate on the Word to guard myself against Satan, sin and his effects.  But, with the Holy Spirit's help I am becoming the lady that Jesus desires for me to be.